So be it

 Happy  my bestie finally  found her boundaries with me. Was wondering when those binding chains would at least loosen. 

Had suspicions about some things she never told me; today just proved to me that's why learning by yourself is important. 

Ever since I was a kid,have taken things personally. Am still working on this too. Figuring out what the triggers are, my responses are emotional. For a long time I thought it was a form of selfishness and had begun to spiral again with depression and anxiety. 

We do what we can when we can. Period. Yes, it's good to challenge ourselves but don't forget who knows us best.. ourselves, if our senses are on full tilt. I think this is a trigger for me because those types of energies are very manipulative.  Case in point, my current Bible studies, which I did get a passing grade of 79%. It's the way questions are asked, the choices given and what's supposed to be correct. 

It's when our egos get inflated and once again, assumptions are our worst enemies. 

If I'm paranoid about certain things, meditation helps, especially sleep. Must have at least 6 to 8 hours. I'm a cat... meow.

Well, not literally. But am a Leo with Virgo moon. Oh vey lol

Too much stimulation then.. overwhelmingly exhausted. 

Ever see memes or remember old billboards saying "challenge yourself ".. it's not about what you cannot do but harnessing the things you can and grow from it.

Took a walk this morning. 

 Head clear.

Over and out.

Miniscule

Just a small update today. Changes to the background and added my animated bands from ages ago!

Nothing fance to type; still cold. However, it did go up 2 degrees LOL

10 degrees fahrenheit 

Still racking my brain on the Domanska lineage. Where did Domicella come from that warrants that last name... thing is that the documents from her marriages all state that as a surname but where it gets tricky is the first and second husbands. Her first husband had 2 last names, Bachora and Jarosweski and are indicated. Why would Marcin Jarosweski have the name Bachora too? 
After sifting through Genetka, his dad was the culprit with those.. was he a bigamist? Hate to sound accusatory here...

All good things do come in time and when least expected. 

A big bold question mark

 Well, good morning. 

It's sunny bright and unrealistically charming... 

That was a big fat lie. 

It's still frigid, cloudy and depressing. That being said, I feel sunny on the inside. 

Still can't believe I'm living in an apartment. My suppressed tears start to flow as a symbolism of letting go of those things that cannot be controlled and acceptance is on hold, even after a year. Does this prove that time doesn't exist or my brain is overthinking once  again.

Well.. 

There's a new paradigm shift. Let's hope the " as above so below " circle gets a stab. The  circle no longer has an empty sound; the new wave explosion has just begun.

New me new year

 There is no new me;just an improved behavior modification with years of trauma behind me?

Love to say that trauma doesn't exist but sadly it does as its permeating scars. The veil is still there though, disguising the inner sadness as something a little less wicked.

I hate still being tired from fibro. Sucks. However the 8 hour meditation sleep hypnosis always helps. Glad for youtube  content creators .

Been a couch potato with classic game shows. I hear max has a new show with skating.. should look into it.

The friends game show isn't too bad but a bit long for my taste.

Idk what else to say, it's Friday and tge snowflakes are light outside my apartment window. 

Very cold. Not gonna make it past 35. Yuck,, there's how many days until summer?

2024

 Greetings to my garden variety blog...

it's been awhile since written and so far, flowing with the tides has me gasping for some form of normalcy in a crazy world. 

Miss the back yard and feeding the birds, it made me happy. 
Some or should I say, almost all, articles now will focus on the good or bad of the year; the in memory,etc.
Is there some disconnect or is it just me that because of a holiday, I'm suppose to grasp what and why the world changes as often as I change my underpants?

Well..
Trying to focus on types of energies has zapped me so I sleep...a lot. That's to be expected; but do NOT expect to keep explaining. Is there a need? Does anyone really care anymore?
Have we gone completely plum loco?
Am reacting to horrific news from France. What that man did to his wife is inexcusable. 
The mental health debate should not be a stigma anymore; it should be addressed but unfortunately we are in a false "woke" space. 

There are things that don't phase me as much; importance is placed where it is supposed to be needed not wanted? Just because you desire should not excuse poor behavior, or in my case, anti-social naivety due to years and years of coddling. 

Don't know what to do? Find a hobby that interests you, try getting back into a hobby you once enjoyed but pace yourself. High hopes vs low expectations is allowed because it is a way of healing. It is a part of that "essence" of things you have no or alot of control over. And by this I mean, anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem, emotional abuse, the whole ball of wax that binds and you try desperately to unwind. It's too tight... 

Loosen the grip... on yourself. 

Easter weekend

A new year has arrived.

A new me has arrived?

Or have I awaken at last at the end of someone else's road?

RIP Dad.

My 91 year old passed a day after Christmas 2023.

Goodbye sir.

Blogger

 Tammykat has designed my graphics blog and I love what she does.  She uses Artisteer, which sadly is no longer available. Is there a way to get a template coder that does exactly what is provided.. wysiwyg wise? Used to the old Netscape editor, I'm dating myself now. 

All I'm looking for is a way to update the graphics, colors, font, etc. Am aware blogger has its own and it's simple enough.. however, every time I have tried to make a banner in the past, it never aligns properly to the center. Css  coding is someplace too as I have tried that too. Can't peek at the html either as the graphics are in a separate spot and my tablet doesn't have a control plus u. That needs  laptop. 

In other news, tomorrow is Dr's appointment. Hopefully nothing major, routine blood work to see if my thyroid is still working. And my ears, my balance is off again with the bppv. Found a way to do it myself but it requires a recliner not a bed. All the tutorials on them show a person going from one side to another and then the crystals are supposed to go back.  Uhmm, not for me. I have an arthritic neck which makes it more painful and want to puke. The recliner helped tremendously when I was ill; couple of days and a week with tandem homeopathy of my pulsatilla ( sinuses). 

Later gator.

I dont understand

 Why he doesn't want me to cook his meals anymore and then he proceeds to berate me because I ate well and he didn't.. mean. Boy did I cry! I was doing so good too.

I told him I was tired too. Yeah I'm emotional.  

Just buy a microwave for crying out loud,  he says he can't afford it. 

91 year old still pushes my buttons. Swear word alert, asshole. 

Is it..

 Odd that random stuff pops up in my brain that are after the fact, "hey!, where did that come from".?

What's the difference between taking things personally versus reacting emotionally?

I've been working on myself, the marriage of meditation and mediation..

The wait of weight;

That type of thing...

Movie theater smells

 https://www.airscent.com/ambient-scenting-theaters/

I knew it! Went to see Meg 2 on Tuesday and it was entertaining.  However, it was slow beginning and as the action progressed, so did an air freshener. Why did they do it? Gross. Have to wash my hair tomorrow to get that chemical smell out. Still reeks. 

The popcorn was freshly made, butter please.. delicious but my eyes were bigger than my stomach, should have got a medium. Lunch was my favorite,  spicy cheese sauce with those fantastic pretzel bites. Tried that starry soda.  Meh. Told the cashier to check the fountain bag as it tasted like it was at the end. Fountain soda is completely different than a can, it's more concentrated. They're also a pain to fill. That was one I didn't like when I worked as a cashier a very long time ago. 

Not Ourselves

Stagnant

 My energies are stagnant; must be a retrograde somewhere? I am very sorry that money was wasted on that template toaster software!, they didn't respond to facebook instant messages. Wish I could get that money back!!! ohhh what is wrong with me. sighs. That's money not coming back. I found it rather odd designing with it; lack of video tutorials for one. Documentation was okay. My ego jumped then fell like humpty dumpty. Lesson learned?... stop repeating the same mistakes. 

At least with the blogger guide am able to get something going. Really didn't want anything splashy for a creative writing blog to begin with. Its on the raw side now, like the episode of Spongebob where he became abrasive. 

My heart is still heavy with emotional trauma from the two prior days. Reality bites back? or am I living in a dream world again, where visions of dancing with actor Andy Garcia abound?  sighs

bye for now

p.s.- need to bring out that creative writing journal I bought a couple years ago from Five Below. Never used it and am thinking it may be an outlet for blogging as well. Time to put my thinking cap on. 

Experiment in reverse psychology

 You cannot tell me that reverse psychology doesn't exist. I tried doing the same thing my 91 year old dad does, Lmao. Oh holy cow, can we say hypocrite really LOUD! 

Let me get this straight... you can close my door when you get cold and force me to turn my heat up... which is fine..

I can close my door when I am cold and turn the heat up. You open the door and tell me not to because you're cold and you need the heat... 

There's no logic in this, is there? You can’t have it both ways... 

Makeover ideas..

Need ideas to redesign this blog to represent what the themes are... but I like the header, it's the layout that gets boring. 

Idk if anyone reads my blog...

Used to have one called review gurl.. self explanatory.  There's no one theme here though that's why I called it an oddball aisle of alphabet soup! 

And there's nothing wrong with that...

Something encouraging. 

Don't like the new layout /theme builder they put in. Frustrating to say the least. 

Went back to genealogy and my, oh.. my. Such revelations from myheritage. Won't go into it now... later gator.

Campfire story

 Ok. So this was written as a Halloween challenge in a graphics forum am a member of. Really had me thinking about the holiday and relaying experiences through storytelling. I've never thought of this before!... what if... what if my poetry words stumble a little, just a little...

and a horizon forms in parallel. This has happened before!- previous spiritual blog, 13 years ago. 
Alas... halloween energies that surprise! 
Spiritual trangressions of the third kind was the title of that blog. 

How about using my trauma/past experiences to write a story??? 

I had to come back to this because my brain froze. After reading some of the posts, decided to start writing. Picture if you will, a 7 year old girl. Grows up with 4 older brothers, she's the last child and only girl. She's not a troublemaker, doesn't lash out and shows courtesy as much as possible.

She sleeps in a room, alone; and can't figure out if her dreams are real or a nightmare. An experience based on unknown trauma carries her- three times within her life. At age 30 and 44, the same dream/nightmare projects itself into her soul. 

Now some people may call what she has experienced as an OBE or out of body experience. Hypnosis doesn't help uncover why this has happened to her nor does self help youtube sleep meditations.

Until...

her beloved best friend crossed over. She searches for her friend to at least gain some mental clarity. 

However, mom, always told her that she'll be okay as you can always talk to her- out loud or even a silent prayer.  ..." You must remember that not everything is black and white nor can you keep walking down the straight and narrow. " ---- MOM quote. 

" What am I seeing? I see myself sliding across the wall then upwards towards the ceiling and stayed there. Floating above but underneath... voided." 

What happened to her???? ... to be continued... ?

Scatterbrain

I'm a scatterbrain.

No. I do not eat green eggs and ham 

NOR DO I 

fry them in a pan. 

See what I did there?  

You have to fry them first..

Then eat em.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O C.D 

On..

Command..

Direction. 

Fear is a funny thing. 

LOL?

OHMMMM?

channeling... my inner guides.

Are needed in these stressful days of reawakening. 

REST

Really 

Effective 

Spirit 

Transmissions

encrypted mind over..

XlpdLNhzfh6bhi6LE4bXTnDcTHspNxoN/JotRAYAIFaYS0/DOARfx+Zosph2DHvawmbKBwrnEsxLWrySdbIrTyvlObFmPTd9tqwGrgVmVBFuE52laM4918uE4hHkQPPQ

Still

The sun is out. Nice cool breeze against my skin giving me goosebumps. Not feeling too inspired to blog but am having some difficulty finding my brain lately. Like stillness. 

Just don't know what is wrong with me. Or if there is something wrong. ?

blank page

Blank. Mind 

Void...

Boredom...

Neural neutral nonsense.

Brain hum

Brain hums; new layout coming soon.

Reflection on theme and style

Hot wind, new direction..

future life promises peace

Cold air, shadows no longer lurk

Wild spirit meet child within.